I travel as part of my job and sometimes funny things happen

Where I travel for work:

I have been lucky enough to travel as part of my job. Berlin, Burgos, Madrid, Milan, Las Vegas, Edinburgh, Munich, Oslo, Stockholm, Reykjavik, Belfast, Florence, Helsinki, Killarney, Killorglin, Barcelona, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Gothenburg, Glasgow, London, Seattle, Cologne, Warsaw, and Copenhagen is quite a list I am fortunate enough to be able to say I have “had” to go to for work. Although I have had to endure days in Loughborough and Accrington for work too so don’t get too jealous. Work travel suits me well and I always enjoy my trips away whether they be team offsites or meetings with external partners or clients and I am not adverse to red eye flights. I rather enjoy them and like my airport time. Heathrow’s T5 is like a second home to me. I have loved my jobs and career in travel so the meetings are always a fun but occasionally something funny also happens which is worth writing down. A brief selection of these memories are below.

Story 1:

In the early years of my time at Expedia the company used to take everyone on an annual offsite. 2006 took us to Halkidiki in Greece. A beautiful setting. We enjoyed swimming in the sea, a few presentations and great food. On the final night we were treated to a beach party. It was wild. It was fantastic. The drink measures were not measured. A cup of vodka with a splash of coke seemed to be the order of the day. I have never seen such a collection of drunks on one beach. The tunes were kicking. The dancing was going. “Jump Around” was played and 200 people simultaneously were jumping up and down as is compulsory with the chorus of that song. The sand dust engulfing us after that was hilarious. The party came to an end at 1am. No chants were good enough to make the DJ play one more. We were leaving for the airport at 4:30am so we felt there was no point going to bed for 2 hours. We made our way to the hotel beach bar where we could continue to drink. As if we needed it. The bar had umbrellas set out on the beach with fairy lights on. Very pretty. A few of us decided to have a swimming race out to a buoy that was visible and back. We stripped down to our underwear and swam. I won, although I don’t condone of swimming in open seas when you are this drunk. It could have ended with headlines similar to those featuring Natalie Wood. Safely back on the beach I went to dress under the umbrella. The lights had shorted and essentially created a live umbrella of electricity. As I pulled up my trousers my head it the umbrella and was pushed down with the shock. It hurt but I was drunk. I told people what happened and they thought I was funny. Looking back it was pretty dangerous but is a story worthwhile remembering.

Story 2:

I enjoy presenting at various travel and trade events as part of my job. I have been lucky enough to be invited to be part of panels and industry events. I was asked to present at an event in Warsaw. Is the event in English? Of course it is they said. Ok then, sign me up. My biography went live on the event site in English. Everyone else’s (including the agenda overview) was in Polish. Are you really sure this is an English speaking event I asked? Of course it is they reassured me. I arrived in Warsaw having practiced my presentation on the plane. I walked into the theatre and low and behold the event was entirely in Polish. People are really excited to hear your presentation the host told me. Really? They are aware it will be in English? Of course they said for the third time. In fairness the audience were very responsive to my presentation and I did get a few questions at the end meaning that they must have understood. Later that evening as part of the event were some industry awards. I had a translator sat next to me who would explain the categories and campaigns that had won.  The videos came on to show the next set of nominees. One showed and app, it seems like customer put in a date, the brand Durex was shown. The audience then laughed a lot. The campaign won. I asked the translator what the campaign was as everyone found it funny. He looked embarrassed. He said “oh ok, it’s Durex. They are condoms, you use them for” at which point I stopped him and said I know what they are used for but I rather meant why was the campaign funny. He looked slightly more embarrassed having almost explaining to me how to use a condom. In some ways I wish I had let him carry on to see what he would have said. Alas he just explained to me that the campaign had been run on Valentine ’s Day and a push notification had been sent to customers to remind them to buy condoms for the day. A good campaign and a worthy winner.

Story 3:

A week in Las Vegas you say for a team meeting and a conference? Suits me just fine. Me and the London team arrived after a 12 hour flight to be picked up in a stretch limo. Awesome. We checked into our suites at The Venetian. This is shaping up to be the best trip ever. We met for dinner in the hotel after a shower. The US team said she should have a SoCo and lime. I was game but didn’t know what it was. We did the shot. And another. We went for drinks along The Strip. I had my first Vegas bomb. I don’t know what was in it but it worked. The jetlag was not kicking in. We carried on until the cats came home. The meetings that followed suit were fantastic and Vegas offered no end of drinking and eating to entertain post work time each day. We went go karting. I told my team I was not super fast and had once been go karting for my brother in law’s 30^th birthday. At one point on that day my sister had said to me whilst pointing at my shoes “oh it’s you. We were wondering who was driving so slow but we couldn’t tell as the only thing that differentiates each person is their shoes as they are covered by the overalls and helmet. We thought it must be a girl but it turns out it was you.” Bitch. I held my own though in Vegas and took a few corners at a rather dangerous speed in my opinion. The final night in Vegas Expedia had hired the nightclub XS for a party. The rumour was the budget for the evening was $1 million. Astounding but believable when I got there. Hostesses lined the swanky club with trays of champagne from 7pm until 1am when it finished. We drank, we pole danced and I lost the shoelace from my shoe. How is that possible? I got back to my suite in The Venetian at 8am. I flew home a few hours later and estimating that I had only slept an average of 3 hours per night for the week. The trip solidified my love of all things Las Vegas. Rock n roll indeed.

Story 4:

We had a work offsite to “Berlin.” We booked our flights and the rest of the arrangement was done by the admin team. The bus met us on arrival and drove us to the hotel. It was three hours’ drive away. Transpired that we were nearly at the Polish border. In February. Berlin my ass. The presentations were good but we didn’t leave the hotel for two days. Cabin fever indeed. I was sharing a room with a girl on my team. She got very drunk on the last night party. I woke her up in the morning and said she should get in the shower as we needed to have breakfast and check out of our room before the last three hours of presentations. She flung her duvet off and said “I don’t care about my German knickers.” Ok then. I left her to go to the shower. I heard the shower finish and asked her if she was coming for breakfast to which she replied “currently I’m naked so no. I’ll see you at breakfast.” She was still clearly shitfaced. I left for breakfast and handed in my key to reception. The presentations started. She was nowhere to be seen. Once the conference finished our boss asked where she was. I genuinely didn’t know and was equally worried as she had been awake when I left the room. She didn’t answer her phone. She didn’t answer the door. Where the fuck was she? My phone then rang and I answered. It was her. “Where the hell are you?” Right back at you I thought. She said she was in the room and was pissed off I left without waking her up. WTF? I did, I told her and said how she had been in the shower when I left. She had no recollection and had woken up in bed and just thought I had left. That’s severe memory loss. Funny though. Still haven’t worked out what German knickers are though?!

Story 4:

For a while I managed the portfolio of products that consisted of the tours and attractions within the UK for sale on Expedia. I loved this job. The suppliers were always so nice and meetings usually consisted of going over the numbers followed by lunch or a drink as a thank you for the business from them and then an offer to try out the tour so I could see the product in action. What’s not to love? I was in Edinburgh meeting suppliers which is a lovely city to be in especially in July. I then arranged a day trip to via one of the suppliers to go to Rosslyn Chapel, Melrose Abbey and the Scottish Boarders. I could take a friend they said. Brilliant I thought. So a friend from Perth came to Edinburgh and off we set for free on our tourist day. The places we visited were beautiful but during our 5 minute stop at the Scott Monument we returned to the coach to see it had been broken into and three of the women (my friend being one of them) had had their bags stolen. Bastards. Such a shame for the victims and the company. Of all the days to put a client on the bus this had to happen. In fairness the driver dealt with it very well and I would have even more confidence in travelling with Rabbie’s Trail Burners post incident (not sure my friend would agree) but what a shame to spend part of the day in Melrose police station rather than the countryside.

Story 5:

We had another company offsite in Burgos, Spain. It was much the same as the “Berlin” one in that we didn’t leave the hotel for three days; however within those 48 hours two things happened which I am particularly fond of. Number one was during the team building exercise. Our group entered the room for the next activity. There was a guitar in the room, some tambourines and other musical instruments. We were told we had 12 minutes to write a song about Expedia and perform it in front of the camera so it could be shown at the gala dinner that evening. WTF? Were they serious? They were indeed. Somewhere between crap and mediocre is where I would say our song ended. I remember the line “if you wanna travel, you better get with my friends. Expedia is my home” featuring in our offer. Total shit. About half an hour later I thought that we should have just sung “Expedia have got the whole world, in their hands” but of course hindsight is not use to anyone. No worries, it still makes me laugh. At the gala dinner our video was not selected to be shown (phew) however during the awards ceremony I did win for Market Co-ordinator of the year. I was shocked. I was pleased. I celebrated with a drink and dance afterwards. So overall it ended the 48 hours in the prison (sorry I mean hotel) quite well.

Story 6:

I was in Paris meeting partners. It was a great trip so far. They took me out for a lovely meal and drinks. I awoke early the next day to go for a run along the river before breakfast. It was lovely. We started meetings at 10am and my eye was a little itchy. We took a break before the next presentation when the itchiness turned to pain and my eye was watering and completely red. It hurt to look at the sunlight when we broke for lunch. I was British and showed my stiff upper lip and ordered lunch. I excused myself and went to wash my eye again in the bathroom whilst we waited for food. It still was agony. I returned to my seat and the wall light fell on my head. Ordinarily would have been hilar but today I couldn’t muster a smile. The partner meetings carried on post lunch. I had to break every 15 minutes due to the pain. It was embarrassing. I made it through the meetings but was barely able to lift my head by the end. I left and got an early train back to London. I lay across two seats with my eye streaming. I must have looked like a jilted lover travelling back a lone after a rejected offer of marriage on the top of the Eiffel Tower. We arrived into London and some fellow passengers asked if I was ok. I just have looked like shit. I immediately went to Moorfields eye hospital. They put anesthetic in my eye which felt amazing. They told me I had an infection and over the next 48 hours I had to put eye drops in every hour including throughout the night. No sleep for me. By the next day my eyesight in my left eye was very blurry and I couldn’t see much. By the next day all I could see out of that eye was white. The vision was gone. I was panicked. I went back to the hospital. They said this is normal for an infection to get worse before it gets better. Could have told me that at the time eh? As I continued with the drops my sight slowly came back but it took two weeks. They said the infection could have been caused by anything which was helpful. My sight has come back (bar 3%) but it certainly goes down as one of the most memorable work trips. Going back into work and answering “how was Paris” to my team was certainly entertaining for them.

Whilst we are in Paris I should also mention the worst meal I have ever eaten. I’m not a fussy eater by any means. I am always up for a local dish. I pretty much always like it. I was with some colleagues in Paris and we went out to dine. I ordered steak tartare. The Frenchie amongst the group checked I knew what it was. I did. It arrived. It was gorgeous. The next day the same Frenchie suggested I try a very traditional dish from the Alsace region as it was special of the day. She pointed to another table where somebody had been served said special. It look like a large sausage. She told me it had a strong taste and was not for everyone but since I was a “good” eater she thought I should try it. I ordered it. It arrived. I cut into it and the waft they was released can be described as nothing else but shit. I wasn’t sure how to get through this. I tried a bit. It tasted like shit too. Literally. Although not that I have ever eaten shit but you can imagine. It was revolting. I wasn’t sure how to get through what was the biggest portion known to man. I could only do it by holding my breath and swallowing the diabolical food as quick as I could. I got half way through and said I was full. I thought she must have known I was lying based on my big appetite which she had commented on the night before but according to my colleagues my acting was Oscar worthy and even they had been fooled by my performance into thinking I had enjoyed lunch. The taste was in my mouth for three days afterwards. Immediately post lunch I had client meetings to attend. Working in affiliate (plus being in France) meant I would have to do air kisses at the start of each meeting with each attendee (bar the men.) I dreaded them smelling it on me and tried to keep my distance. I was going to make myself sick when I got back to the hotel but then realised I would have to taste the food again when it came back up. Instead I let things be and just suffered with a slight upset stomach in the morning. So what was the beast I ate I hear you cry. It was called Andouillette and after a quick Google I swiftly found out it was a sausage made of pork intestines. Explains the smell. And the taste for that matter. It apparently is a dish only served in France. I am begging you France, please stop serving it there too. At least I know I can make it through I’m a celebrity get me out of here if I ever need to. Or a holiday with Bear Grylls.